Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The George Bush Resume

Help this Man Find a Job
This individual seeks an executive position. He will
be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue , Washington , DC 20520
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976
for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a
fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas
driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug
use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat
duty in Vietnam
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career
in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an
oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas The company went
bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas
Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected Governor of Texas.
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and
oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as
the most smog-ridden city in America
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the
tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any
governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida,
and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter
office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual
deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in
the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first
year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their
jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the
richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest
millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising
trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of
my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and
corporate attorneys to assure my success with the
U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton
against investigation or prosecution. More time and money
was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has
been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs
in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.
history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the
oil industry was revealed.
Three times more money was spent on my second
inauguration parties than was spent to investigate the disaster of 9/11.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted
criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to
administration than any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the
largest bureaucracy in the history of the United
States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any
President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the
United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S.
"prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have
refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United
Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press
conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation
in any one- year period. After taking off the entire
month of August, I presided over the worst
security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after
the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the
U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of
diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people
worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15
million people), shattering the record for protests against any
person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an
unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a
sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the
majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and
support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their
families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring
Osama Bin Laden to justice. [he is probably dead, anyway...]
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are
now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider
trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed
in secrecy and unavailable for public review
After reading this, I was so depressed I decided to
call the Mental Health Hot line.
I discovered they had outsourced their service to a
call center in Pakistan. When I told the guy who answered
that I was considering suicide, he got
all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

No comments: