The George Bush Resume

Subject: CAN YOU HELP THIS POOR GUY FIND A JO0B?

 

Help this Man Find a Job

 

This individual seeks an executive position. He will

be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.

 

RESUME - GEORGE W. BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue , Washington , DC 20520

 

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976

for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a

fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas

driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

 

Military:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.

I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug

use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat

duty in Vietnam

 

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

 

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career

in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an

oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas The company went

bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas

Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry

(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected Governor of Texas.

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and

oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as

the most smog-ridden city in America

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the

tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any

governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida,

and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became

President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter

office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion

dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted

the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual

deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private

bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a

12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in

the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first

year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their

jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the

richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest

millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising

trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for

receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of

my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate

bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and

corporate attorneys to assure my success with the

U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton

against investigation or prosecution. More time and money

was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has

been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs

in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.

history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the

oil industry was revealed.

Three times more money was spent on my second

inauguration parties than was spent to investigate the disaster of 9/11.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.

history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted

criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to

administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the

largest bureaucracy in the history of the United

States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any

President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the

United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S.

"prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have

refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United

Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press

conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation

in any one- year period. After taking off the entire

month of August, I presided over the worst

security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after

the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the

U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of

diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people

worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15

million people), shattering the record for protests against any

person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an

unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a

sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the

majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and

support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their

families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for

attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans

(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and

security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring

Osama Bin Laden to justice. [he is probably dead, anyway...]

 

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are

now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider

trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and

unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my

Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed

in secrecy and unavailable for public review

>

------------------------------------------------------------

After reading this, I was so depressed I decided to

call the Mental Health Hot line.

I discovered they had outsourced their service to a

call center in Pakistan. When I told the guy who answered

that I was considering suicide, he got

all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

---

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.